SLINKY SAFETY RECALL
This week, after sixty-six years of reliably disappointing Children’s hopefulness, and dashing their expectations; Slinky® Inc. issued a National safety warning and emergency product recall for a batch of an estimated 180 malfunctioning Slinky’s which do not meet manufacturer standards or customer exceptions in the long-standing Slinky Company’s Product.
The one-hundred, eighty Slinky’s which were released through gross negligence have already been shipped to several dozen public toy stores over 3 days ago in a multi-state, disastrous mishap.
The Slinky® Inc. Legal Department Attorneys fear Slinky® Inc. may be legally liable for creating a National Panic if this issue is not quickly controlled. All attempts are being made to locate and reclaim the modicum of unsold substandard products, which have not already been purchased. If these remaining Slinky’s are not pulled from shelves and returned in compliance with this safety recall, Attorneys claim Slinky will little legal recourse if any.
DEFECTIVE SLINKYS ACTUALLY WALK DOWN STAIRS!
So far ninety-six of the malfunctioning Slinky’s have resulted in innocent Children being tragically overjoyed, when they discovered that the substandard Slinky’s “Actually did walk down the god damned stairs!”
CHILD TRAGICALLY OVERJOYED BY DEFECTIVE SLINKY!
The malfunctioning lot of downward- stair-walking Slinky’s has greatly embarrassed the company, and may have irreparably damaged brand name integrity forever.
The manufacturer requests that all defective Slinky’s be immediately returned for necessary repairs and adjustments. Slinky® Inc. is believed to negotiate for out of court settlements with the Parents of those victims who were exposed to the amazing “Child Startling Slinky’s.”
INVESTORS FEARED TO PANIC OVER SLINKY DISASTER
Director of the Department for Damage-Control, Hank Springer, urged investors “Not to Panic.” However stock holders are said to fear the dreaded stair-walking incidents will only continue to rise.
Quality control supervisor Stanley Pinkerton was fired without warning, and would not comment on the subject.
SLINKY CREATOR TURNS OVER IN GRAVE
The slinky was in a category with the pogo stick and sea monkeys from my childhood. Damnit! Why didn’t they look like the TV and comic book ads!!!!!
I know, I had the original Mail Order Catalogs back in 1976. I saw a fantastic ad for a Hover Craft. It was resplendent! I waited 4-6 six weeks for my “hover craft.” I had such plans for scooting across the neighborhood with it. Riding with my friends. The picture looked as if it would be about 8′ wide, with 2 seats. It was red.
When it actually arrived in the mail. It came with a battery wand wired to a plastic shell about the size of a Frisbee, which actually did have a propeller. So I guess it technically did hover, but only about a half inch above my linoleum bedroom floor, but I had to walk with it and the wire kept it about 3 feet away, tethered to me. It was hardly a craft. It was a “hover-crap”
It hardly made me famous and amazed my friends . I am still mad about that. The picture looked like a Flash Gordon space cruiser. Therapy did not mollify my resentment towards the A&P mail order Company.
Those Mail Order Catalog Bastards. They took my $3.49. That was a lot of money in the 70′s.
The defective slinkies are already selling on eBay for over a million dollars!
How do you think killed Bin Laden? No, not just Navy Seals alone but, they mesmerized the Chemical Engineer and Mastermind Terrorist Madman with a downward-walking Slinky.
Plus they also fired 2 large caliber rounds center-mass, and then one in the left eye.
I liked this from your YouTube channel: “I am a moral person even though I do not have a Bible as a list of orders. I do good because it is good. I resist bad as it is bad. ” Right on dude.
Rattling good visual appeal on this site, I’d rate it 10.